Check Your Feelings at the Door?
"When we're dealing with people, let's remember we're not dealing with creatures of logic, we're dealing with creatures of emotion." - Dale Carnegie
We have all been encouraged to do business with logic as the main driver of success. For eons we bought into the notion to 'check our feelings at the door' and ignore our own truths and values to get ahead. We learned to behave in mediocre, inauthentic ways at work, often as a fragmented version of ourselves. Identified by the roles we play, titles we're given, and incomes we earn, we've worn masks and portrayed personality traits that are not genuine. Just think about how many people act one way at work and completely different around their families?! Or one way when they pitch business and totally different when around their direct reports?!
What's ironic is that it is impossible for human beings not to experience emotion. In fact we experience emotion (energy in motion) faster than we create thoughts. This makes sense when we understand that both fear (primal) and emotional response start in the same place in the brain - the amygdala - and thoughts come after stimuli. There is no way to turn off this innate human capacity, nor to ignore it. It would be like telling your bladder not to signal your urge to use the bathroom, just not possible.
This pressure on people to not feel or express emotion, and to ward off the signals their emotions induce leads to stress, anxiety, depression and relationship dysfunction. It's also downright exhausting, and the cause of burnout. A silver lining of the pandemic is that we've morphed individually and collectively to a human race that is more in tune with our inner selves than ever before.
While burnout is a front and center topic in the current business world, it's been a long-term problem. At 28 years old I experienced severe burnout after struggling with the consequences of ignoring my emotions. The warning signs were so loud they turned physiological - fainting spells, hot flashes, loss of appetite. It began September 15, 2008, the day after the Lehman collapse, when I started a new role at Goldman Sachs, a firm I'd been with for four years. Yes, a dreadful time to start a new job, though out of my control. At 6:30am with eager eyes I said hello to my new boss only to be met with "you're lucky you're an internal hire or I would tell you to leave now". The tone was set for the next ten months until my resignation, and I was burnt out after five.
Over three months I witnessed half my team get the tap on the shoulder and I never saw them again. Those of us left worked fifteen hour days for a boss who was increasingly toxic and the worst example of leadership I've known. Morale was so low we made up codes to warn each other when the boss was near (she was a huge micro manager). We had zero trust in her leadership abilities, in fact she exuded everything we never wanted to be. She had no compassion or empathy, never once asked a personal question, nor showed any human qualities at all. It was evident she was in a management position because of tenure - a very common mistake.
Working for someone that has no emotional maturity nor awareness of how they treat others is draining, toxic and infuriating.
Even though times can get stressful, it doesn't give anyone carte blanche to project their own fears and anxieties onto others. Working for someone that has no emotional maturity nor awareness of how they treat others is draining, toxic and infuriating. It causes mental and emotional strife for the people reporting to that person and becomes stifling to their confidence, trust, demeanor and ultimately mindset. Eventually they will end up gossiping, taking it out on others, numbing or suppressing which causes exhaustion, eruption and erratic behavior.
An MIT Sloan study I read recently said just 1 in 10 people are natural leaders! Case in point people need training and development opportunities to BE BETTER. Not just technical skills like delivering a performance review, having difficult conversations or managing conflict, but true leadership skills like self-awareness, mental agility, and emotional regulation. A sign of a good leader is how they lead themselves.
So what can you do? First, take responsibility for your own leadership style.Then take a hard look at your leaders. Ask what can be done better. Ask what they need from you to enact change in themselves, for the greater good of your employees and organization. Second, seek out opportunities to engage them in development that deepens human skills and enhances knowledge of true leadership. Finally, say goodbye to inauthentic ways of being in your workplace culture and replace them with new ways where people are more mindful, trustworthy, and authentic. Hint, this will help greatly with your diversity, equity and inclusion efforts as well - after all people need to know and accept themselves before they can be accepting of others.
