Is it really about learning to say no? Or learning to be discerning?
There’s been a lot of hype around the art of saying NO in the business world. Just Google it and there is endless content about this topic on the web. The reasoning that we need to preserve our energy, protect our time, or create space for other priorities makes a lot of sense. After all, there is a ton of distractions in the world, and staying focused can be a challenge with so much coming at us from every angle.
While I believe the reasoning above, I also feel there is an important factor often overlooked: saying no in a way that it is not stifling to your personal growth. Or, to put it another way, saying yes to things that may be out of your comfort zone but might enhance your growth. Looking at it from this perspective, learning when to say yes or no comes down to discernment. And guess what, to be discerning is a learned skill. It takes a lot of internal work to become self-aware, practice self-discipline and be discerning.
I haven’t always been self-aware or known how to use discernment in my life. I have been in business development roles for many years where my primary responsibility has been to cultivate relationships, service clients and build businesses. Earlier in my career I used to say YES to everything. I believed that everywhere I went, every person I met was an opportunity. Often times, this proved to be true and in many ways I know this outlook led to my success along the way. What I didn’t know then is how much saying yes all the time was at the expense of my own interests, health and mindset.
Through my lens now I see how I used to say yes all the time for fear of missing out (FOMO!). It was my insecurities that led to my always saying yes. I would forget my own needs and rearrange my schedule to accommodate other people and their needs. This undervaluing of myself was tied to lack of self-worth and a belief that if I was able to say yes to all of these external events, I would feel more validated, more needed, more appreciated and ultimately more worthy. But, that was not at all how things felt on the inside. I was drained, almost always. I was too tired to ever really focus on me. I was too exhausted to give my energy to my most meaningful relationship - the one with myself. Outside of the occasional trip to the gym I was giving away all my energy by not creating the time and space to listen to myself, reflect on what I heard and just be.
Those yes’s that took me away from doing something that would have personally filled me up, not purposeful. The no’s that kept me in my comfort zone and gave me permission to do something mindless or numbing, kept me small and playing it safe. Self-awareness allows you to see this for what it is and then CHOOSE what will add value to your life, enhance your experience or propel your growth.
“It is masterful to say yes to YOU and no to energy draining, mind numbing, escapist activities.”
A few years ago as I was knee deep in raising babies, working full time, being a wife, taking care of a home, etc. During these years I had become accustomed to saying no to myself and my needs. It had become so ‘normal’ for me to put myself aside and deny that I had real desires and wants. This mentality was so ingrained in my life that I almost said no to an opportunity that turned out to be a catapult into my journey of Self-discovery.
The lesson learned? When I choose to say no, I now make sure it’s not based on fear of change. I choose to say no to things that will take me away from caring for and fulfilling mySelf, rather than searching for it in the external world, especially when I haven’t made the time and space for me in awhile. I have a choice always and as long as I am truly listening to mySelf, that’s where change and growth can occur. I can now choose to say yes when it feels right for me and trust that a door may open to a business opportunity. A yes may also open a door for me to embrace life and the world a bit more. And that’s okay too.
Learning to say no with intention is empowering. It is not a negative act to say no to opportunities, events, introductions, invites...It is masterful to say yes to YOU and no to energy draining, mind numbing, escapist activities. The art in learning to say no is not to do so in order to block others from penetrating your existence - life is meant to be experienced through one another. The art is to be self-aware enough that you know when you are already depleted, or when something may be a siphon to your energy.
